disbelief

he said i was totally useless and a drag on him, that he never wanted me to go with him anyway. he told me to leave his house and that he wanted to cancel my ticket to africa. i said i thought he must be feeling unwell and that he would change his mind, and he said no, i will not change my mind, get out. i respected his wishes and packed my things and left my childhood home, left my hopes of continuing what i thought was a connection with my dad. i cried. i do wonder if i should have begged for him to forgive me (though for what i don't know), begged him to want me, begged him to love me. i should be able to overlook when he tells me i am useless, they are only words, and they are words which i have heard from him all my life, i should be immune to them by now, i should be able to ignore them, and tell myself he doesn't mean that, he just thinks he is motivating me in some twisted way. but i have become exhausted from doing that repeatedly for so many years, from his expectations that have taught me not to curl my toes under when i am standing in his presence, not to crack my knuckles, not to whistle at night, not to wear birkenstocks or other shoes he does not approve of, that have led me to pursue a virtual alphabet after my name in college degrees, so i can be anything but useless, but even that didn't work; i knew i was indeed useless as i sat ready to walk across the stage to receive my master's degree knowing he hadn't come because it wasn't an important enough accomplishment to warrant his attendance, i cried then too, i cry too much... and i always apologize just to keep the peace, and walk on eggshells afterward, continuing to wonder what is wrong with me that makes him yo-yo from loving me to hating me. so this time i just heeded his request and i left. what saddens me most is that aside from how exciting this trip was to be for me (and i had thought, for him) it represented finally being accepted by him, or i guess that's how i saw it. but as he said as he told me to go, i am totally useless and not wanted. i suppose he left as planned and i wish him a good voyage. i was a fool to invest so much energy and hope into his invitation to accompany him on this trip, and the pain i feel is not about losing the chance to go home with him, but over having lost him. again.

?

may have to cancel the trip. very sad.