disbelief

he said i was totally useless and a drag on him, that he never wanted me to go with him anyway. he told me to leave his house and that he wanted to cancel my ticket to africa. i said i thought he must be feeling unwell and that he would change his mind, and he said no, i will not change my mind, get out. i respected his wishes and packed my things and left my childhood home, left my hopes of continuing what i thought was a connection with my dad. i cried. i do wonder if i should have begged for him to forgive me (though for what i don't know), begged him to want me, begged him to love me. i should be able to overlook when he tells me i am useless, they are only words, and they are words which i have heard from him all my life, i should be immune to them by now, i should be able to ignore them, and tell myself he doesn't mean that, he just thinks he is motivating me in some twisted way. but i have become exhausted from doing that repeatedly for so many years, from his expectations that have taught me not to curl my toes under when i am standing in his presence, not to crack my knuckles, not to whistle at night, not to wear birkenstocks or other shoes he does not approve of, that have led me to pursue a virtual alphabet after my name in college degrees, so i can be anything but useless, but even that didn't work; i knew i was indeed useless as i sat ready to walk across the stage to receive my master's degree knowing he hadn't come because it wasn't an important enough accomplishment to warrant his attendance, i cried then too, i cry too much... and i always apologize just to keep the peace, and walk on eggshells afterward, continuing to wonder what is wrong with me that makes him yo-yo from loving me to hating me. so this time i just heeded his request and i left. what saddens me most is that aside from how exciting this trip was to be for me (and i had thought, for him) it represented finally being accepted by him, or i guess that's how i saw it. but as he said as he told me to go, i am totally useless and not wanted. i suppose he left as planned and i wish him a good voyage. i was a fool to invest so much energy and hope into his invitation to accompany him on this trip, and the pain i feel is not about losing the chance to go home with him, but over having lost him. again.

?

may have to cancel the trip. very sad.

headed to Africa!

I just read my last post, written on November 21, 2008. Not long after that entry, I returned to my lovely Guanajuato and had Christmas with dear friends who have become more like family. In the year that followed, I continued to be in love with the lifestyle and the people, and I think I am forever changed; more open, more loving, more me. It was my life, and as it was now normal life I guess I didn't feel the need to blog about it. But now I am returning to being a blogger, this time in order to chronicle my next adventure...

Though some scary experiences led me to announce to my parents 15 years ago that I would never return to West Africa, travel in recent years has made me curious and hungry for more. I remember the fear I felt while there as a child and a young adult, but now after a decade and a half away, I feel an interest in reconnecting. Part of me is terrified, remembering the big guns and those who had no qualms about putting them in our faces, and other close calls, threats of jailings and the ever present concern of kidnappings. But each time I get on the phone with my aunt and chat my hellos, I feel a little twinge, a feeling that it is time to go with my Dad and try not to be afraid, see my family, consider it an adventure instead of being fearful. 15 years away - I guess it's time. I've tried to revive my French with novels, a course on the computer, and conversation meetup dinners. My passport is newly adorned with visas to Benin, Togo, Burkina Faso and Mali. I have had my immunizations and I have an extra memory card and battery for my camera. For 2 months we will be a father-daughter team, and I will reunite with family and visit places that I once saw as a child and other places I have never seen. I mostly look forward to the Voodoo Feast in January - this religion originated from my father's country, Benin. And this annual festival is a great opportunity to learn, watch ceremonies, and discuss Voodoo with the priests and those who study this important part of the Benin cuture. So, welcome back to my blog, this way I can take you with me on this next adventure...