Thoughts and Rambles: confusion

Monday, January 21, 2008

confusion

I'm home but I can't sleep here. The luxury of my large apartment is a cross between comfort and overkill. Though I know I don't have to check the bed for spiders and can walk around barefoot without concern of stepping on scorpions, and there is no odor of sewage and I can drink the water right out of the tap, I have my car and my stereo and my space, space, space..... I long to return to the simpler life I was exposed to. In the 36 hours I have been back I have felt so lonely, although I have reunited with several friends and fielded what seems like a hundred phone calls. It is not that I don't feel loved and welcomed by my friends, it is simply that there is a different feel here: the warmth and openness in Guanajuato made me feel as though I were wrapped in a warm blanket, and here I feel isolated somehow.

The brilliant idea of moving back seemed so easy when I was there. The job in Mexico awaits, and I must call my prospective boss today to give my final answer. She says she will help with the work visa and housing, and I knew I wanted it while I was still away - but now, somehow, that little voice whispers in my ear that my life is here in Denver. ARGH! What happened to the freedom and sense of adventure that coursed through my veins while I was down in Mexico!?!? Am I getting scared now that I am back here? Frustrating, because the logic of moving there is quite right; I could be fluent in Spanish in another 4 months, and would do well to live immersed in this culture which I love - as a nurse I will much better serve the Latin and Latin-American population I am drawn to if I do it. What has happened to me? It is as if the American Way has stifled my ideas, for fear of losing what I "have" here. Suddenly ideas like immersion and intercambio and Peace Corps, which were obvious next steps, seem scary; the gamble seems too steep. What has happened?

No comments:

Post a Comment

PHOTOS

All photos in this blog are those I have shot myself (unless, obviously, I am the subject, in which case I will cite the photographer - except for a couple cases where I simply handed the camera to the person next to me to capture me in the moment- unfortunately there are a few of those where I do not know the person's name). I currently use the Panasonic DMC-FZ28. It is a great camera with a quality lens and good portability, and I get really nice shots with it.

It's not the most advanced or powerful camera, and it's not a large fancy SLR, but I've found that the trick to getting a good shot is not always just about the camera. As a photographer I can achieve great shots by keeping in mind composition, angle, and understanding the computer inside the camera and how to manipulate it for what I want in the final shot.

Perhaps one day I'll have my dream camera, but until then, I'm doing alright with a really great "almost SLR".

As you read the blog, enjoy the photos I insert here and there to help you visualize my stories. I have so many more photos, but only so much space for them on this blog.

Life... or Lifestyle?

thank you Allie, for this story, which reminds me of why I tend to feel so frustrated with the traditional American rat race…

There once was a Mexican fisherman who would get up in the morning and go fishing. By lunch time he had caught enough fish for the day and would come home, sell the fish, eat lunch with his wife, spend the afternoon playing with his kids and napping in the shade and in the evenings he would go down to the bar and play music with his friends.

One day he met an American who asked him, "Are there more fish out there that could be caught?"

And the Mexican said, "Yeah, but I catch enough before lunch so I stop fishing and come home."

The American said, "You should fish all day and catch more fish so you could increase your earnings."

The Mexican asked, "And then what would I do?"

"You could then buy another boat and hire another captain and catch twice as many fish and earn twice as much. Then you could start to sell your fish to the large corporations."

And the Mexican asked, "And then what?"

"You would keep adding boats until you had an armada and then you could build your own fish factory and ship your fish world-wide! Then you, of course, wouldn't be able to fish any more, you could move to the US and run the company. You would be making tons of money!"

And the Mexican asked, "What would I do with all that money?"

"You would save it!"

"What would I be saving it for?"

"So one day you could retire, move to a Caribbean island, fish in the morning, eat lunch with your wife, spend the afternoon playing with your grandchildren and napping in the shade and in the evenings you could go down to the bar and play music with your friends!"

And, there's the rub. My mother used to tell a story like this, except it was about an African fisherman (appropriate, as my father is African and this story was a comment on how one can trade the good life for a promise of the good life). Is it the African Connection that draws me to a similar lifestyle in Mexico?

Now I am living with and in the experiences, enjoying each day, and loving the moment.

I shared this sentiment with folks and they say "well, sure, but then there's reality."

Whose reality?

Should I find a way to live, really live, and enjoy and learn and love each day, whether it is in the States or in Mexico or elsewhere, I will always remember to embrace each moment and find a way to enjoy those moments. I refuse to continue on the rat race so that one day I can find my paradise, whatever it may be. I may not have a lot for show, but I love each day, and this is what is really important.

Thoughts and Rambles

Monday, January 21, 2008

confusion

No comments:

PHOTOS

About Me

Guanajuato, Mexico at sunset

Life... or Lifestyle?

Blog Archive